When 9/11 happened I was absolutely devastated. I could not fathom the tragedy! There was so much death and destruction. As I have been so fortunate to live in Canada I has never seen anything like that. I didn't know where put it. I stayed home from work for a week glued to the TV waiting for the next shoe to drop.
Flash forward 12 years and there's another terrorist attack. Yesterday two bombs went off at The Boston Marathon resulting in 3 deaths and numerous injuries. Just as I watched the tragedy of 9/11 unfold on CNN, I watched The Boston Marathon tragedy unfold on CNN. Once again I was horrified that some one would do this. What was supposed to be a celebration of athletic achievement was a day of devastation. It was different this time though. This time I was not surprised. Oh there's another terrorist attack, not surprised.
What bothers me as much as the bombing is my lack of surprise. When did I become so jaded? I still believe in the good in people and am not a total cynic. People can be good, they chose not to be. In light of The Boston Marathon I have realized that 9/11 has changed me forever.
Xoxo
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
What Would You Do?
Yesterday I went on a shopping adventure! I was off with a friend to find her the perfect dress for her son's wedding. After several hours of trying on dresses it was time for a rest. We headed off to the food court for a rest and a snack. When we were sitting at our table a man approached us and asked for "money for food". We advised him we wouldn' give him money.. He went from table to table and was given a soda from a food vendor. As we were leaving I noticed that he was at a table where 2 young boys sat. He was hustling them for money. I noticed how uncomfortable they were and felt compelled to intervene.
I told him to leave, but he continued to ask the boys for money. His eyes were glazed and frantic. In my opinion it wasn't lunch he was jonesing for! He finally noticed my presence and became combative. Thankfully after tossing some salty language at me he left without incident.
What troubled me is that the food court was full of adults. Surely I couldn't have been the only one who noticed? What if this was a life threatening incident? Would anyone help? Tim and I love watching "What Would You Do" and are appalled at how people can stand by when someone else is in trouble. Granted, we fear these situations and worry about our own safety which is totally understandable. If the man had a gun, my reaction would have been different, but would still call for help.
My friend was concerned that I intervened. She accurately pointed out that he could have taken a swing at me or robbed me. Let's face it, physically I'm vulnerable. Despite this, I would do it again. As I was leaving the mall I saw the boys again and they thanked me for helping me out. Their relief and gratitude made my day. Maybe I intervened because let's face it, helping others is an awesome rush!
xoxo
I told him to leave, but he continued to ask the boys for money. His eyes were glazed and frantic. In my opinion it wasn't lunch he was jonesing for! He finally noticed my presence and became combative. Thankfully after tossing some salty language at me he left without incident.
What troubled me is that the food court was full of adults. Surely I couldn't have been the only one who noticed? What if this was a life threatening incident? Would anyone help? Tim and I love watching "What Would You Do" and are appalled at how people can stand by when someone else is in trouble. Granted, we fear these situations and worry about our own safety which is totally understandable. If the man had a gun, my reaction would have been different, but would still call for help.
My friend was concerned that I intervened. She accurately pointed out that he could have taken a swing at me or robbed me. Let's face it, physically I'm vulnerable. Despite this, I would do it again. As I was leaving the mall I saw the boys again and they thanked me for helping me out. Their relief and gratitude made my day. Maybe I intervened because let's face it, helping others is an awesome rush!
xoxo
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
The Reinvention of Laurie
It's been a few weeks now since I have "retired" and I am in the midst of creating a new life for myself. This is no easy task!
Now that my obligations as a Case Manager are over, the world is full of shiny possibilities. I can truly spend my life focusing on saving animals and flexing my creative muscles. I have begun to seriously pursue getting a service dog. Now how to bling up their vest......
The onus will be on me to plan my days and make them productive. I have begun volunteering with hart (humane animal rescue team) as a donation coordinator. My first order of business has been securing donations for our June silent auction. I am delighted with the support we are receiving from local business. It's exciting working on something that means so much to me.
This wild ride has just begun!
Xoxo
Now that my obligations as a Case Manager are over, the world is full of shiny possibilities. I can truly spend my life focusing on saving animals and flexing my creative muscles. I have begun to seriously pursue getting a service dog. Now how to bling up their vest......
The onus will be on me to plan my days and make them productive. I have begun volunteering with hart (humane animal rescue team) as a donation coordinator. My first order of business has been securing donations for our June silent auction. I am delighted with the support we are receiving from local business. It's exciting working on something that means so much to me.
This wild ride has just begun!
Xoxo
Friday, 28 December 2012
The Most Precious Gift
She's losing her words. I called this morning to check in. When I asked her what she was doing she replied "wiping things". "What things" I asked. After a pause I could sense her frustration. Awkwardly she replied "the big black thing in the kitchen."
Over the course of the last year, I've watched her change and fade away. Initially, I enjoyed the change. The woman who was cruel and hateful was soft and sweet. Instead of constantly demeaning me, she wanted into my life. Everyday she will call and ask "do you need any help today". In truth, her "help" is often a hindrance. Prior to Alzheimer's cruel hand grabbing hold of her mind, she was immaculate. Now she will forget to wash the dishes or the laundry with soap. As "helping" is now so important to her I will trail her with a watchful eye.
She was rarely patient or kind with me. I had to leave the home that I grew up in to escape the cruelty that was my childhood. Now the tables have turned. Although my body is weak, my mind is strong. I too could be cruel and dismissive in her time of need, but I can't. Time is now short. I am unable to erase the pain of the past, but I can now build a relationship with this stranger who is my mother.
The holiday season was never much of a holiday for me. There was always stinging words, stress and hurt feelings. Last year we did what any sane and financially secure individual would do, we flew to Mexico on Christmas.
This year was different. Tim had pointed out all of the changes that are taking place in mom. Its hard to say, but this is likely as good as she ever will be.
Because of this, we opted to hold Christmas dinner one last time. As opposed to the stress cooking a huge meal puts on Tim, we decided to cheat and have it catered. This decision was scorned by my sister.
Our relationship has become increasingly tense and complex. I always feel as though I have to justify myself to her. Over the last year I have experienced a dramatic decline in my strength and function. Sadly, this has left me unable to work and unable to participate in my previously packed social schedule. Instead of concern, she meets me with scorn if I am unable to go over to her place or go for dinner. Christmas Eve resulted in an argument and hurt feelings. She invited me to join her and our parents that evening for takeout Chinese food. As I have to rely on Tim to help me start my day before he goes to work, I must rise everyday at the ungodly hour of 3:30 am.
Instead of accepting my explanation, she simply told me she is not interested in how I am doing and she only asks so I don't get mad.
Initially I was angered by her reaction. "How dare she treat me like this?". "Doesn't she realize how difficult this last year has been?" I then remembered someone who I used to know who also had spinal muscular atrophy. She went through a period of time where she experienced a dramatic decline. Instead of showing the compassion that I should have, I was dismissive of her difficulties. I always thought that she was awash in self-pity and simply didn't try enough. Behind this was fear. Fear that this could happen to me. Fear that I was looking at my own future. She is no longer wish us and I wish that I possessed the maturity at the time to face my fear. This is why I am no longer angry at my sister, perhaps she too is afraid.
Despite the difficulty that the holidays bring to me, this year I received a precious gift. I received the gift of reflection and compassion towards others. Somehow I received the insight to look beyond what is in front of me to see what is inside others. For that I am grateful.
Over the course of the last year, I've watched her change and fade away. Initially, I enjoyed the change. The woman who was cruel and hateful was soft and sweet. Instead of constantly demeaning me, she wanted into my life. Everyday she will call and ask "do you need any help today". In truth, her "help" is often a hindrance. Prior to Alzheimer's cruel hand grabbing hold of her mind, she was immaculate. Now she will forget to wash the dishes or the laundry with soap. As "helping" is now so important to her I will trail her with a watchful eye.
She was rarely patient or kind with me. I had to leave the home that I grew up in to escape the cruelty that was my childhood. Now the tables have turned. Although my body is weak, my mind is strong. I too could be cruel and dismissive in her time of need, but I can't. Time is now short. I am unable to erase the pain of the past, but I can now build a relationship with this stranger who is my mother.
The holiday season was never much of a holiday for me. There was always stinging words, stress and hurt feelings. Last year we did what any sane and financially secure individual would do, we flew to Mexico on Christmas.
This year was different. Tim had pointed out all of the changes that are taking place in mom. Its hard to say, but this is likely as good as she ever will be.
Because of this, we opted to hold Christmas dinner one last time. As opposed to the stress cooking a huge meal puts on Tim, we decided to cheat and have it catered. This decision was scorned by my sister.
Our relationship has become increasingly tense and complex. I always feel as though I have to justify myself to her. Over the last year I have experienced a dramatic decline in my strength and function. Sadly, this has left me unable to work and unable to participate in my previously packed social schedule. Instead of concern, she meets me with scorn if I am unable to go over to her place or go for dinner. Christmas Eve resulted in an argument and hurt feelings. She invited me to join her and our parents that evening for takeout Chinese food. As I have to rely on Tim to help me start my day before he goes to work, I must rise everyday at the ungodly hour of 3:30 am.
Instead of accepting my explanation, she simply told me she is not interested in how I am doing and she only asks so I don't get mad.
Initially I was angered by her reaction. "How dare she treat me like this?". "Doesn't she realize how difficult this last year has been?" I then remembered someone who I used to know who also had spinal muscular atrophy. She went through a period of time where she experienced a dramatic decline. Instead of showing the compassion that I should have, I was dismissive of her difficulties. I always thought that she was awash in self-pity and simply didn't try enough. Behind this was fear. Fear that this could happen to me. Fear that I was looking at my own future. She is no longer wish us and I wish that I possessed the maturity at the time to face my fear. This is why I am no longer angry at my sister, perhaps she too is afraid.
Despite the difficulty that the holidays bring to me, this year I received a precious gift. I received the gift of reflection and compassion towards others. Somehow I received the insight to look beyond what is in front of me to see what is inside others. For that I am grateful.
Sunday, 16 December 2012
Hope is a Butterfly
Today I met up with someone who I used to know, me! When I awoke this morning, it was different. Like a beautiful butterfly exemplifying happiness and strength. I couldn't reach out and touch her, but I could see her.
My battle with the asshole named SMA will never end, this is true and I accept the challenge. The cloke of dark depression that was and still is impeding my attack is lifting, ever so slightly.
Yesterday was the most near to perfect day that I had in a long time. In 2005 I decided that it was time to step it up in the beauty department, so I chose an up-scale salon. At this salon, I had the pleasure of welcoming Angela into my life. Her genius and creativity gave me the style I was looking for! More importantly, I made a dear friend who is now one of the most important people in my life. I love her dearly and value her friendship. Yesterday she came over to my home for my monthly "grooming" appointment. As usual she did a fantastic job of my hair and made me feel like a million bucks. More importantly, I was able to spend time with someone with whom I have mutual support and caring. It makes an amazing difference to have friends who truly understand and do not judge you. I am truly blessed to have Angela in my life.
Following my beauty session, Tim and I had plans to join a group of wonderful people for dinner. This made me afraid. It has been months since my body has allowed me to follow through with evening plans. I have been an epic failure in this department as of late, saddly I always have had to back out because I simply wasn't able. Obviously this led to incredible self-loathing.
With all of this being said, last night was different! I donned an outfit that reflects my unique sense of fashion and did it! I enjoyed the company of several wonderful people. Although I was still in a great deal of pain, I was alive and free! I was once again in the fold!
Today I feel a new beginning. A beginning of hope and joy. That beautiful butterfly is still out of my reach, but not for long.
My battle with the asshole named SMA will never end, this is true and I accept the challenge. The cloke of dark depression that was and still is impeding my attack is lifting, ever so slightly.
Yesterday was the most near to perfect day that I had in a long time. In 2005 I decided that it was time to step it up in the beauty department, so I chose an up-scale salon. At this salon, I had the pleasure of welcoming Angela into my life. Her genius and creativity gave me the style I was looking for! More importantly, I made a dear friend who is now one of the most important people in my life. I love her dearly and value her friendship. Yesterday she came over to my home for my monthly "grooming" appointment. As usual she did a fantastic job of my hair and made me feel like a million bucks. More importantly, I was able to spend time with someone with whom I have mutual support and caring. It makes an amazing difference to have friends who truly understand and do not judge you. I am truly blessed to have Angela in my life.
Following my beauty session, Tim and I had plans to join a group of wonderful people for dinner. This made me afraid. It has been months since my body has allowed me to follow through with evening plans. I have been an epic failure in this department as of late, saddly I always have had to back out because I simply wasn't able. Obviously this led to incredible self-loathing.
With all of this being said, last night was different! I donned an outfit that reflects my unique sense of fashion and did it! I enjoyed the company of several wonderful people. Although I was still in a great deal of pain, I was alive and free! I was once again in the fold!
Today I feel a new beginning. A beginning of hope and joy. That beautiful butterfly is still out of my reach, but not for long.
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
Self Pity :)
I hate to be negative, but this has truly been the worst year of my life. I'm sitting in front of my fireplace watching my 2 beautiful dogs rest peacefully side by side.
I was fine when I woke up this morning, not happy, but fine. I've become used to wasted days at home waiting for my body and my depressed mind to wake up so I can resume the life that I miss terribly. It then occured to me that as a result of my exile at home, I have not done the things that mean so much to me over the holiday season. I have yet to enjoy a glass of wine and a laugh with any of my dear friends. The friends that I am so afraid to lose as I am no longer interesting. Due to my lack of participation in the outside world, I have nothing to contribute. Sure I can tell you about the failure of my body and mind, but that's hardly interesting.
I have a coworker who feels compelled to remind me of how jealous of me she is. Not for reasons that I would appreciate, but rather the failure of my body. She informs me that she is jealous that I no longer work full time. Despite my protest that this is a horrible fate, she persists.
Eventhough my job does not define me, I'm lost without it. I long to be a productive and engaged member of society again. I fear that even with my best laid plans my present will become my fate.
I will admit that I am awash in self-pity and self-loathing. The walls are closing in and all I want is my freedom returned.
I was fine when I woke up this morning, not happy, but fine. I've become used to wasted days at home waiting for my body and my depressed mind to wake up so I can resume the life that I miss terribly. It then occured to me that as a result of my exile at home, I have not done the things that mean so much to me over the holiday season. I have yet to enjoy a glass of wine and a laugh with any of my dear friends. The friends that I am so afraid to lose as I am no longer interesting. Due to my lack of participation in the outside world, I have nothing to contribute. Sure I can tell you about the failure of my body and mind, but that's hardly interesting.
I have a coworker who feels compelled to remind me of how jealous of me she is. Not for reasons that I would appreciate, but rather the failure of my body. She informs me that she is jealous that I no longer work full time. Despite my protest that this is a horrible fate, she persists.
Eventhough my job does not define me, I'm lost without it. I long to be a productive and engaged member of society again. I fear that even with my best laid plans my present will become my fate.
I will admit that I am awash in self-pity and self-loathing. The walls are closing in and all I want is my freedom returned.
Sunday, 20 May 2012
I Give Up
Friday I received my long term disability application in the mail. I never thought that it would come to this. I have officially become one of those that I have scorned. In my mind you are never too disabled to work, what the hell has happened? What is happening to me?
To start off, I have become a terrible friend. Exhaustion and pain has forced me to cancel plans with friends. I value time with friends more than anything else. Yesterday, for the first time since March I worked. I worked for 6 hours at the farmer's market. Following this, I had plans to spend an evening with friends. As happy as I am to be productive, after a 6 hour shift I was so fatigued that I could not follow throught with the evening plans. See what I mean? Bad friend! How long will it be before everyone gives up on me?
I'm sick of me!
I'm in mourning. I'm grieving what I perceive to be the loss of the life that I cherish. Today my positive attitude is gone and I feel as though I have nothing left.
To start off, I have become a terrible friend. Exhaustion and pain has forced me to cancel plans with friends. I value time with friends more than anything else. Yesterday, for the first time since March I worked. I worked for 6 hours at the farmer's market. Following this, I had plans to spend an evening with friends. As happy as I am to be productive, after a 6 hour shift I was so fatigued that I could not follow throught with the evening plans. See what I mean? Bad friend! How long will it be before everyone gives up on me?
I'm sick of me!
I'm in mourning. I'm grieving what I perceive to be the loss of the life that I cherish. Today my positive attitude is gone and I feel as though I have nothing left.
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