Karma and Come-Uppance

I have never defined myself by what I do for a living. Family and friends have always come first and work was a means to afford the life that I want. When the work day is over, I do not give work another thought until the next day.
Despite this, I like to go to work.  I think everyone needs a purpose.  Not only that, I love socializing and dressing up every day! -:)
I have to admit that I judge others who don't work.  I do get tired of hearing how people on AISH, WCB or welfare don't have enough to live on, are marginalized etc... My position has always been that no one is ever too disabled not to work in some capacity. In the back of my mind, I've often wondered if my scorn is a result of my fear. I have always been afraid of becoming like those "disabled" people. I only want to rely on me.
Fate can be crazy sometime. In the past few months I have begun to deteriorate quite rapidly. I am sad (and VERY ashamed!) to say that my body is refusing to cooperate and I'm finding myself at home more often than I am at work. Have I given up?  Hell to the NO!!!! I will consult with my neurologist and any other people in the know on how to get ahead of this and get back on track.
The fear remains that I won't get past this and somehow I will need to adjust to new limitations. Although I do not define myself by work, I can't imagine my life without it. How will I fill my time and where on earth will I wear all of my clothes? Tim and my friends encourage me to focus on enjoying life if this happens.  Their advice is to volunteer with causes that mean the most to me, to take time to take care of myself and to focus on what's important. I hope it doesn't come to this.  Despite the fact that my job is pretty thankless, I will feel totally useless without it. Sure I can and will follow the kind advice of loved ones if my health continues to deteriorate, but I will be ashamed. Sadly, this shame and self-loathing will be compounded by the family member who sees me as an obese embarrassment and who always finds ways to blame me for everything bad that happens to me.  
I am afraid of what the future brings and I hate uncertainty.  Today I am focused on keeping my eye on the prize and beating this bitch before it beats me!
xoxo

I feel guilty enough...thanks for making it worse!

When I reflect on my life I realize that I am one lucky woman!  I was fortunate enough to be born in a country that is safe where women have the same rights as men.  I have never gone hungry and I have always had a roof over my head.  I have a loving husband and an adundance of friends who I love. Although I don't love my job I am grateful for it.  Without it I couldn't enjoy the life that I do.

When I'm grieving the gradual loss of control of my body, these are the things that I keep in mind. Do I have it better than a woman living in Afghanistan? OK..that's a no brainer.  I have heard many times that "all you need is your health."  I beg to differ! In my opinion, all you need is the freedom to chart your own course in the world.

It is an unfortunate reality that I have to rely on the kindness and compassion of the wonderful people in my life.  It is the one thing that I don't think that I will ever get used to.  OK....truth be told I friggin hate it!  There are many things that I will never be able to do for myself - drive myself to work, paint my toe nails or scrub the kitchen floor.  (The princess in me isn't too upset over the last thing!)    

I could not imagine being one of the special people in my life who do so much for me.  There are no words for how I feel about you.  Truly, I couldn't live without you.  Even while you are doing your best to help me, sometime you are hurting me.  I feel so guilty that you have to do it all, I do.  I can hear your sighs and I can see your eye rolls.  I can feel your resentment in your passive-aggressive response.  What can I DO to help, there's lots, just let me know what you need and I'll do it.  Please don't feel like you have to do it all, you don't.

 

Chaos! When will it end?

Everyone who knows me knows that 2011 was a craptacular year in the Young house.  For those of you who don't, I won't bore you with the details!
Yesterday Tim and I added a new member to our family, an 8 week old Pomeranian bichon cross that we have named Anderson Cooper. (OK...Tim had nothing to do with the name, it was all me!)  Now my home is my haven of happiness which is normally peaceful, very neat and very clean.  As of 2 o'clock yesterday this all changed.  Little Anderson Cooper entered our home with a vengeance!  All of a sudden my peaceful and TIDY retreat has become a mess of puppy toys, puppy wee wee pads along with several other supplies.  How does a little 2 pound puppy create such a mess?  Not only that, Kailey, my 8 year old Llhasa is not happy! She is withdrawn and sort of sad.  Doesn't she realize that we not only got Anderson Cooper for us, but for her so she can have a buddy? He will never replace Scooter, I realize. I know that it will take time for her to adjust, but....
But he is an adorable little ball of fluff that I have already fallen in love with.  As I look around my messy kitchen (yikes!) I realize it is all worth it.  There is nothing like sharing your life with an animal. For now, I will adjust to the clutter and Kailey will get to know her new buddy.
I doubt that life will be as it was last year this time, it will be different. Life is all about adjusting and embracing change.  Little Anderson Cooper represents hope for a better year ahead and what it means to have unconditional love.
xoxo

Thursday Musings

It's a blustery Thursday and I am home because I am not well enough to work.  SMA has taken hold today and left me incapable.  I will fight this bitch and tomorrow is a new day...
I am grateful for the beautiful comments from my beautiful friends, I love each and every one of you.
Tomorrow will bring about a change in the Young household, we will welcome a brand new puppy! I have decided to name him Anderson Cooper. Why Anderson Cooper? Why not? He is my hero and I admire his journalism and talent.  With that being said I'm a little disappointed that he sold out by having a daytime talk show. I think he should let me take over the show and he can go back to covering wars.
Our home as felt so empty since we lost Scooter. We all miss him so much.  His ashes has been returned to us in a beautiful wooden urn that has a plaque on it that reads "Scooter-The Handsome.  He sits on our fireplace and I talk to him everyday.
Here's hoping that tomorrow is a better day!
xoxo

So here we go!

I have been thinking of started a blog for a long time, but I couldn't think of what would be remotely interesting. After some thought I have realized that I am a unique individual with a story to tell.
I'm a 42 year old woman who was lucky to meet and marry my best friend Tim. When I think about it, it really has been a long road getting here with many bumps on the way.....
I have a disease called spinal muscular atrophy. This truly is the least interesting thing about me, as I have it, it doesn't have me! Despite this, it does affect my life as I use a wheelchair and deal with increasing paralysis as time goes on. Does this piss me off??? Of course it does, but since there is nothing that I can do about it I just move on.
My passions in life are animals, fashion, food and friends. Two weeks ago we lost our dear dog Scooter to cancer. I could never have imagined the pain losing him has caused. Love of all kinds can be bitter sweet and painful.
Just like most women I am concerned about appearance and weight. My disability has caused a crooked back and managing my weight is a huge issue. Unfortunately I have a close family member who insists that I am "obese" and an embarrassment. Not only are they disgusted by my weight, but also my sense of style and my tattoos.  Does this hurt? Hell yes!!!! Does this affect my self-esteem? No shit Sherlock! However, I can not change people's perceptions of me and I have to accepts myself. And I have..I'm the perfect version of me!
Dear reader, please accept and love the perfect version of YOU!
xoxo