Today I met up with someone who I used to know, me! When I awoke this morning, it was different. Like a beautiful butterfly exemplifying happiness and strength. I couldn't reach out and touch her, but I could see her.
My battle with the asshole named SMA will never end, this is true and I accept the challenge. The cloke of dark depression that was and still is impeding my attack is lifting, ever so slightly.
Yesterday was the most near to perfect day that I had in a long time. In 2005 I decided that it was time to step it up in the beauty department, so I chose an up-scale salon. At this salon, I had the pleasure of welcoming Angela into my life. Her genius and creativity gave me the style I was looking for! More importantly, I made a dear friend who is now one of the most important people in my life. I love her dearly and value her friendship. Yesterday she came over to my home for my monthly "grooming" appointment. As usual she did a fantastic job of my hair and made me feel like a million bucks. More importantly, I was able to spend time with someone with whom I have mutual support and caring. It makes an amazing difference to have friends who truly understand and do not judge you. I am truly blessed to have Angela in my life.
Following my beauty session, Tim and I had plans to join a group of wonderful people for dinner. This made me afraid. It has been months since my body has allowed me to follow through with evening plans. I have been an epic failure in this department as of late, saddly I always have had to back out because I simply wasn't able. Obviously this led to incredible self-loathing.
With all of this being said, last night was different! I donned an outfit that reflects my unique sense of fashion and did it! I enjoyed the company of several wonderful people. Although I was still in a great deal of pain, I was alive and free! I was once again in the fold!
Today I feel a new beginning. A beginning of hope and joy. That beautiful butterfly is still out of my reach, but not for long.
Sunday, 16 December 2012
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
Self Pity :)
I hate to be negative, but this has truly been the worst year of my life. I'm sitting in front of my fireplace watching my 2 beautiful dogs rest peacefully side by side.
I was fine when I woke up this morning, not happy, but fine. I've become used to wasted days at home waiting for my body and my depressed mind to wake up so I can resume the life that I miss terribly. It then occured to me that as a result of my exile at home, I have not done the things that mean so much to me over the holiday season. I have yet to enjoy a glass of wine and a laugh with any of my dear friends. The friends that I am so afraid to lose as I am no longer interesting. Due to my lack of participation in the outside world, I have nothing to contribute. Sure I can tell you about the failure of my body and mind, but that's hardly interesting.
I have a coworker who feels compelled to remind me of how jealous of me she is. Not for reasons that I would appreciate, but rather the failure of my body. She informs me that she is jealous that I no longer work full time. Despite my protest that this is a horrible fate, she persists.
Eventhough my job does not define me, I'm lost without it. I long to be a productive and engaged member of society again. I fear that even with my best laid plans my present will become my fate.
I will admit that I am awash in self-pity and self-loathing. The walls are closing in and all I want is my freedom returned.
I was fine when I woke up this morning, not happy, but fine. I've become used to wasted days at home waiting for my body and my depressed mind to wake up so I can resume the life that I miss terribly. It then occured to me that as a result of my exile at home, I have not done the things that mean so much to me over the holiday season. I have yet to enjoy a glass of wine and a laugh with any of my dear friends. The friends that I am so afraid to lose as I am no longer interesting. Due to my lack of participation in the outside world, I have nothing to contribute. Sure I can tell you about the failure of my body and mind, but that's hardly interesting.
I have a coworker who feels compelled to remind me of how jealous of me she is. Not for reasons that I would appreciate, but rather the failure of my body. She informs me that she is jealous that I no longer work full time. Despite my protest that this is a horrible fate, she persists.
Eventhough my job does not define me, I'm lost without it. I long to be a productive and engaged member of society again. I fear that even with my best laid plans my present will become my fate.
I will admit that I am awash in self-pity and self-loathing. The walls are closing in and all I want is my freedom returned.
Sunday, 20 May 2012
I Give Up
Friday I received my long term disability application in the mail. I never thought that it would come to this. I have officially become one of those that I have scorned. In my mind you are never too disabled to work, what the hell has happened? What is happening to me?
To start off, I have become a terrible friend. Exhaustion and pain has forced me to cancel plans with friends. I value time with friends more than anything else. Yesterday, for the first time since March I worked. I worked for 6 hours at the farmer's market. Following this, I had plans to spend an evening with friends. As happy as I am to be productive, after a 6 hour shift I was so fatigued that I could not follow throught with the evening plans. See what I mean? Bad friend! How long will it be before everyone gives up on me?
I'm sick of me!
I'm in mourning. I'm grieving what I perceive to be the loss of the life that I cherish. Today my positive attitude is gone and I feel as though I have nothing left.
To start off, I have become a terrible friend. Exhaustion and pain has forced me to cancel plans with friends. I value time with friends more than anything else. Yesterday, for the first time since March I worked. I worked for 6 hours at the farmer's market. Following this, I had plans to spend an evening with friends. As happy as I am to be productive, after a 6 hour shift I was so fatigued that I could not follow throught with the evening plans. See what I mean? Bad friend! How long will it be before everyone gives up on me?
I'm sick of me!
I'm in mourning. I'm grieving what I perceive to be the loss of the life that I cherish. Today my positive attitude is gone and I feel as though I have nothing left.
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
Time to Transform
Today I am eating whatever I want! I enjoyed a Burger King veggie burger and fries for lunch and tonight I'm having a cupcake!
On Friday I left my rehabilitation program feeling energized, motivated and strong. I'm improving my endurance and strength and I'm not stopping there! I feel the need to also improve my appearance along with my confidence and self-esteem. I'm going on a diet! I do admit that the cruel comments from a family member and my need to be accepted by him play a role, but for the most part I am doing this for me.
Today I received a large styrofoam container that holds the tools I need to achieve the new and improved me. I will eat the frozen meals along with sensible snacks and I WILL achieve my goal. There will be triumps, temptations and disappointments on the way. I've never taken this journey before and invite you to come along via my blog. Won't you join me?
Xoxo
On Friday I left my rehabilitation program feeling energized, motivated and strong. I'm improving my endurance and strength and I'm not stopping there! I feel the need to also improve my appearance along with my confidence and self-esteem. I'm going on a diet! I do admit that the cruel comments from a family member and my need to be accepted by him play a role, but for the most part I am doing this for me.
Today I received a large styrofoam container that holds the tools I need to achieve the new and improved me. I will eat the frozen meals along with sensible snacks and I WILL achieve my goal. There will be triumps, temptations and disappointments on the way. I've never taken this journey before and invite you to come along via my blog. Won't you join me?
Xoxo
Saturday, 7 April 2012
A Very Good Friday
I'm ashamed to admit that lately I have been too self-absorbed. Being at home a lot will do that to a person! Today I entered the fold of beautiful people and was inspired by their zest for life.
We took the hour long drive to Onoway for a long overdue visit with my mother in law. As she lives in an assisted living facility I was concerned about her living conditions. Tim and I were greeted by a bright homey place. The facility reflected warmth and welcoming. We quickly found our way to Tim's mothers room. I was saddened how time has ravaged her. She is very thin, almost gaunt, and has lost use of one of her arms as a result of a stroke. She led us to the dining room where we could visit over coffee. On the way there she was happy to introduce us to her fellow residents.
Once we made our way to the dining room I felt as though I was entering someone's living room. The kitchen staff and residents bantered back and forth as though they were family. I know my mother in law to be an introvert with no interest in socializing. She immediately took part in the conversation and banter. Two ladies joined our table and we got into a lively discussion. These spunky seniors have a debate club. They debate abortion and same sex marriage!
For all intents and purposes, these people have lost their freedom. Many have lost the ability to move freely in the community. There is one meal served at dinner, they have no freedom to chosse what they want to eat. Despite this, they embraced the freedom they have to chose happiness, to cherish friendship and to enjoy life. I saw this change my mother in law to someone who is engaged with others. People in this circumstance have every right to become self-absorbed, but they didn't! What was meant to be a pleasant visit, was a true eye opener for me!
Xoxo
We took the hour long drive to Onoway for a long overdue visit with my mother in law. As she lives in an assisted living facility I was concerned about her living conditions. Tim and I were greeted by a bright homey place. The facility reflected warmth and welcoming. We quickly found our way to Tim's mothers room. I was saddened how time has ravaged her. She is very thin, almost gaunt, and has lost use of one of her arms as a result of a stroke. She led us to the dining room where we could visit over coffee. On the way there she was happy to introduce us to her fellow residents.
Once we made our way to the dining room I felt as though I was entering someone's living room. The kitchen staff and residents bantered back and forth as though they were family. I know my mother in law to be an introvert with no interest in socializing. She immediately took part in the conversation and banter. Two ladies joined our table and we got into a lively discussion. These spunky seniors have a debate club. They debate abortion and same sex marriage!
For all intents and purposes, these people have lost their freedom. Many have lost the ability to move freely in the community. There is one meal served at dinner, they have no freedom to chosse what they want to eat. Despite this, they embraced the freedom they have to chose happiness, to cherish friendship and to enjoy life. I saw this change my mother in law to someone who is engaged with others. People in this circumstance have every right to become self-absorbed, but they didn't! What was meant to be a pleasant visit, was a true eye opener for me!
Xoxo
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Priorities Priorities!
Being at home has been brutal! I love to get dressed up everyday and accomplish something, its how I roll. Notwithstanding this, my job is not my life or my identity. It is a means to have enough money to enjoy my life and a great place to make friends.
This morning I was talking to my sister and she asked me when I was going back to work. I won't know until I begin my rehabilitation program next week. I told her that as eager as I am to go back to work, my number 1 priority is my health, family and friends. She then continued to lecture me on my bad attitude and lack of caring about my job. Wow! Check out the judgement! She was aghast that my job is a means to have my life and is not my life. I'm not going to lie to you, at first I was pissed! After some reflection, I'm now sad. Our working years don't last forever and during our working years we build a foundation for our retirement. My foundation is not only financial, but social and emotional. I can say with some confidence that my retirement will be full of love and friendship. If my whole sense of being was based on a job where I was easily replaced where would that leave me.
Remember that although we can be replaced at work, we can never be replaced in the important relationships in our lives!
Xoxo
Thursday, 1 March 2012
Karma and Come-Uppance
I have never defined myself by what I do for a living. Family and friends have always come first and work was a means to afford the life that I want. When the work day is over, I do not give work another thought until the next day.
Despite this, I like to go to work. I think everyone needs a purpose. Not only that, I love socializing and dressing up every day! -:)
I have to admit that I judge others who don't work. I do get tired of hearing how people on AISH, WCB or welfare don't have enough to live on, are marginalized etc... My position has always been that no one is ever too disabled not to work in some capacity. In the back of my mind, I've often wondered if my scorn is a result of my fear. I have always been afraid of becoming like those "disabled" people. I only want to rely on me.
Fate can be crazy sometime. In the past few months I have begun to deteriorate quite rapidly. I am sad (and VERY ashamed!) to say that my body is refusing to cooperate and I'm finding myself at home more often than I am at work. Have I given up? Hell to the NO!!!! I will consult with my neurologist and any other people in the know on how to get ahead of this and get back on track.
The fear remains that I won't get past this and somehow I will need to adjust to new limitations. Although I do not define myself by work, I can't imagine my life without it. How will I fill my time and where on earth will I wear all of my clothes? Tim and my friends encourage me to focus on enjoying life if this happens. Their advice is to volunteer with causes that mean the most to me, to take time to take care of myself and to focus on what's important. I hope it doesn't come to this. Despite the fact that my job is pretty thankless, I will feel totally useless without it. Sure I can and will follow the kind advice of loved ones if my health continues to deteriorate, but I will be ashamed. Sadly, this shame and self-loathing will be compounded by the family member who sees me as an obese embarrassment and who always finds ways to blame me for everything bad that happens to me.
I am afraid of what the future brings and I hate uncertainty. Today I am focused on keeping my eye on the prize and beating this bitch before it beats me!
xoxo
Despite this, I like to go to work. I think everyone needs a purpose. Not only that, I love socializing and dressing up every day! -:)
I have to admit that I judge others who don't work. I do get tired of hearing how people on AISH, WCB or welfare don't have enough to live on, are marginalized etc... My position has always been that no one is ever too disabled not to work in some capacity. In the back of my mind, I've often wondered if my scorn is a result of my fear. I have always been afraid of becoming like those "disabled" people. I only want to rely on me.
Fate can be crazy sometime. In the past few months I have begun to deteriorate quite rapidly. I am sad (and VERY ashamed!) to say that my body is refusing to cooperate and I'm finding myself at home more often than I am at work. Have I given up? Hell to the NO!!!! I will consult with my neurologist and any other people in the know on how to get ahead of this and get back on track.
The fear remains that I won't get past this and somehow I will need to adjust to new limitations. Although I do not define myself by work, I can't imagine my life without it. How will I fill my time and where on earth will I wear all of my clothes? Tim and my friends encourage me to focus on enjoying life if this happens. Their advice is to volunteer with causes that mean the most to me, to take time to take care of myself and to focus on what's important. I hope it doesn't come to this. Despite the fact that my job is pretty thankless, I will feel totally useless without it. Sure I can and will follow the kind advice of loved ones if my health continues to deteriorate, but I will be ashamed. Sadly, this shame and self-loathing will be compounded by the family member who sees me as an obese embarrassment and who always finds ways to blame me for everything bad that happens to me.
I am afraid of what the future brings and I hate uncertainty. Today I am focused on keeping my eye on the prize and beating this bitch before it beats me!
xoxo
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